with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
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if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
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I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...