Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
you're hired as official boob wrangler