i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is