You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
