I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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