That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
