im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
