I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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