this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
