I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
