I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
