I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
