I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
