If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
