I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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