I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
