theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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