Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I wish there were birth control emojis
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
