i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
