Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
