she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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