I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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