Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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