i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
