He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Well I just put wine in my tea
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
