I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
