I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
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You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
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I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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