i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
