the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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