It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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