dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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