I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
