so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
