I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
