OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
