why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
