I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
