So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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