i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
