How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
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Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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