So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
