Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
