Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize