So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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