Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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