Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize