What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize