theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
im six kinds of drunk right now
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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