We named our party play list daddy issues
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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