i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
