i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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