took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
