i may or may not be watching the land before time
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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