I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
