drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
