he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
