There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize