I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
