I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
