You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
