Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
50% drunk capacity currently
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
