dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
