I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
