I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
